Blue Sky Page 10

  “I gotta go. See ya, coach.”

  The team would have to do without me. Hell, they’d just met me. They didn’t own me.

  China stopped mid-lap to watch me walk out the gym. I thought maybe I shoulda waved, but since she didn’t, I didn’t either.

  “Ready?”

  “Yeah.”

  ◼︎

  Ramon’s people were different from all the folks I’d ever met. His mama insisted he bring home money, and she wasn’t talking about the part-time McDonald’s kinda money. She was the same way with Ramon’s big brother, Tyrone. So when Tyrone got locked up for dealing, Ramon took over his corner.

  Folks came by in cars and on foot, all of ‘em wanting an ounce or two to tide them over until the end of the week. Some of ‘em even begged, tried to negotiate discounts, or promised favors. But Ramon’s mama couldn’t take no favors to the store, and discounts wasn’t gonna buy her name brand clothes and shoes. That’s the way she put it, and he repeated her word for word.

  I wasn’t in a hurry to get home. With Jackie gone, the house felt even more empty than usual. Seemed like every room held a memory of somebody that wasn’t there anymore.

  A rusted green hooptie pulled up to the curb, and one of Ramon’s friends stuck his head in the driver’s window to collect the cash before signaling for the boy across the street to get the requested quantity. Ramon joked I was his lookout girl ‘cause I picked up on everything around me. There was a rhythm to things. That made it easy to spot outsiders: folks that were new to our neighborhood and the occasional cop. I’d gotten so good at it that I worried something bad would happen to him if I wasn’t there.

  “Hey, man, whatcha looking at?” Ramon ran in my direction, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet like he was tiptoeing down the sidewalk. “What? Something wrong with yo’ eyes?”

  A blue hatchback with the Indiana plates stopped at the stop sign a block away. It lingered at the intersection longer than was necessary, but that was normal for cautious customers. Behind me, a woman came out the three-flat with two or three brats in tow. She was chiding them about taking care of their shoes, saying she’d spent a hundred dollars on each pair, and they’d better be grateful. I paid attention to all that, plus the two girls who were a few years older than me standing at the bus stop. Saw that and I didn’t see him—the man Ramon was accusing of staring at me.

  “What you looking at, man?”

  I’d seen him before, but I couldn’t place where. His dusty forest-green jacket looked vaguely familiar. His face was framed by short dreadlocks screaming for some maintenance, and his general demeanor was in need of some soap and water.

  “Hey, I’m talking to you, man.” Ramon pushed the dark-skinned visitor’s shopping cart sideways. It didn’t topple over, but that was sheer luck.

  Jackie had left behind more than half of her wardrobe, and I figured she wouldn’t miss some of the more modest pieces. But modest for her was still revealing on me, well, when compared to what I usually wore.

  “I look where I want.”

  “You looking at her? Huh? What you need to do is look at a bar of soap!”

  The corner erupted in laughter, echoing against my back as I walked against the tide. Ramon wasn’t all that mad, but that didn’t stop him from acting like it. He was paranoid about folks thinking he was soft.

  “Leave him alone.”

  My boyfriend did a double take. I guess he expected I’d be impressed by the display. “Go back to where you was,” he ordered for his friends’ benefit though.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” the dark stranger was saying. His blood-stained eyes poured into mine. “This ain’t no place for a nice girl.”

  What made him think I was a nice girl? Ramon looked at him then at me, wondering if we knew each other. I was wondering the same thing.

  “Aight, man, whatever. Go on. Be about yo’ business.”

  Wasn’t until dark that I realized the homeless guy’s words were still hanging around even though he’d long since departed. Ramon hadn’t said one word to me. Couldn’t even look my way for too long. Made it an awkward walk home. Me watching him, and him watching the cars, people, stray dogs, anything other than me.

  “Wanna have sex?”

  “Here?” He laughed, thinking I was joking.

  “No. Over there.”

  “In the bushes? Seriously?”

  “Better than your place. At least ain’t nobody listening over there. And nobody’s out here sightseeing this time a night, so they not gonna spot us.”

  Wasn’t any happiness behind his smile, so I wasn’t surprised when he shook his head. Had to be the first time any boy anywhere had turned down sex. “Your people gonna be looking for you.”

  It was a terrible excuse. He knew I wasn’t in any hurry to get home.

  “You sure?” I stopped about twenty feet from the house and crossed my arms behind his neck, daring to be seen kissing him. That was all it took for him to change his mind.

  I hated to admit it, but maybe that social worker was right—I’d ruined my girls. At the very least, I’d lost ‘em. Nikki wouldn’t listen to me. She was gone. Jackie was gone. And Mya never really returned home. Her body was with us, but when she looked at me, I ain’t see my girl anymore. Wasn’t any recognition in her eyes. Like all the love had drained right outta her.

  “Mommy, is this like money?” Nat sat at the kitchen table going through my purse. She’d settled on my checkbook and was flipping through the pages. “Can I have some?”

  “Ask yo’ daddy.” I stood over the stove, stirring the spaghetti sauce.

  “How old are you?”

  “Thirty-seven.”

  “Is that old? How old is Daddy? You’re…” She gazed up at the ceiling, counting on her fingers. “You’re nine years older than Louis! ‘Cause he’s twenty-eight. How old’s Hazel?”

  Heziah’s firstborn was a myth to us. In all the time we’d been together, I’d never laid eyes on the girl.

  “Ask your daddy.”

  “Don’t you know?”

  “She’s in her thirties, I think. About thirty.”

  She giggled. “And you’re her mommy! If you were only seven years older than me, you’d be…”

  “Well, I ain’t. So you don’t gotta worry about that. Go tell your sisters it’s time to wash up for supper.”

  The twins weren’t ruined. Nat wasn’t ruined either. But that wasn’t proof of my mothering. I reckon it was the opposite. They had the least amount of time with me.

  I was jolted forward, and the sauce made a short puckering noise as the spoon fell from my hand into it. Nat had wrapped herself around my waist, hugging it with the strength of somebody twice her age.

  “You’ll feel better, Mommy. You’ll see. When Jackie gets back from her treatment, everybody will feel better.”

  Jackie’s treatment was supposed to last thirty days. I ain’t know if I would make it that long.

  “Hey.” Heziah strolled down the hall, shuffling through the mail.

  I went back to the spaghetti.

  “Got the first bill for that place.” He sucked in loudly and held his breath as he pried open the envelope. “Better be worth it.”

  “Was your idea…”

  “I know. I’m just saying I hope they know what they’re doing.” He didn’t have to explain anything to me, and I didn’t want him to sit but he did it anyway. “I’ll see if I can’t get some extra hours at the plant.”

  “Mmhmm.”

  Heziah had taken a second job at a plastics factory on the far south side. It was so far east, he might as well have been going to Indiana.

  “I can work.”

  “That’s not what we decided. The girls need you here.”

  Wasn’t like I was doing much good. Obviously.

  “At least until things settle down.”

  Heziah rose with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and for a second, I forgot to blame him for the hole in my heart.

  �
�Well, we’ll see…” His rational self decided to make an appearance. “Maybe you could get something part-time. We gonna have a wedding to pay for too.”

  I snapped the dial to the right, turning off the stove, and removed the sauce from the heat. I ain’t wanna get wind of nothing else about no wedding!

  “What you think of this guy?” Heziah was wearing his concerned face. “He seems all right, don’t you think? A little full of himself, but…”

  I hated him. He was Ricky in a smaller package. If I’d have known who Nikki was bringing to supper, I woulda sprinkled a lil’ poison on his plate. Got rid of him from the get-go.

  “Belinda?”

  “He’s fine.”

  He nodded. “I sure wish she’d wait until she was older.”

  “It’s them crazy church folks. Got her thinking she gotta be married to have sex.” That and she was desperate to feel loved. But I ain’t say that. Woulda been too much like inviting him to poke at an old wound of mine. My firstborn ain’t feel loved…

  “Hmm. Maybe…” Heziah tapped his chin thoughtfully.

  I got a few plates from the cabinet and stacked them on the kitchen table. Next came silverware.

  “Maybe you should have a talk with her. You know…tell her about it from a woman’s perspective.”

  “She doesn’t listen to me.”

  He nodded. The truth hurt enough without him having to agree with me.

  We sat down to supper with two empty spaces instead of one. Mya was missing. I was too spent to throw a decent-sized fit. Pushed the food around my plate until I heard the front door open and close. Heziah studied me from the other end of the table. He always sat facing in with his back to the hallway. I liked to look out and see the living room on the opposite side of the house. The girls sat along the sides between us. Nikki hadn’t stopped looking at me with them big sad eyes of hers. Like she was gonna guilt me into denying what I saw in that boy of hers. It was right at that moment I felt the urge to give Clara a call. She’d have backed me up. She’d have seen it too.

  “Oooo, Mya late for dinner.” Nat teased.

  “So,” my mostly silent daughter said before sitting next to Jackie’s empty seat.

  I wasn’t quite sure if she was giving us the silent treatment or if it was her usual quietness. Everything seemed more quiet since Jackie left.

  “Try to be on time,” Heziah said to her.

  “She supposed to be home right after school, Daddy.”

  “Is that true?” His question was to me.

  I nodded.

  “Well?” Heziah waited a proper length of time for an explanation but none came. “Mya?”

  “What?”

  “Why were you late? Where were you?”

  She helped herself to a spoonful of collard greens and began breaking up the cornbread into pieces over her greens, so she could mash them together with her fork.

  “She always late, Daddy. Since Jackie started her treatment.”

  “Shut up,” Mya snapped, and Nat looked hurt by the threat in her sister’s words.

  “Don’t tell your sister to shut up. We don’t use that word in this house.”

  “It ain’t a word,” she muttered.

  “Excuse me?”

  “It ain’t a word. It’s a phrase.”

  “We don’t use that phrase in this house.”

  When Ricky was in a bad mood, I could feel it coming. Like rain in May. It’d be all in the air. Was only a matter a time before enough things got under his skin to make him do what he’d already set his mind to doing. Mya was taking a page out of her daddy’s book. She kept looking straight ahead. She was sitting to Heziah’s right, directly in his path, so she had to concentrate real hard on avoiding his gaze. Nikki looked like she might fall to pieces under the weight of her sister’s glare even though Mya’s stare wasn’t truly aimed at her. Her fork scooped up a mouthful of greens dotted with bits of yellow cornbread and she sucked it all down. She mighta been hungry, but I suspected her appetite came from the ball of anger growing up inside her. It was time to change the subject.

  “Mya, I’m still waiting for an answer. If your mama told you to come straight home, you should have a good reason for not doing that.”

  “That another rule for this house?”

  Everybody’s jaws clamped shut. The twins’ eyes grew two sizes, and they looked at each other to make sure they’d both heard right.

  “Mya has track practice.” Nat gave a lil’ smile, meant to encourage the peace. “Right, sis?”

  “Nope. I quit.”

  “B-Because Mama told her to.” Nat was determined to save her sister.

  “Nat, baby, don’t you got something you wanna ask your daddy?”

  “Hmm?” She’d forgot all about our conversation. “Oh, yeah. Umm…Daddy, how old is Hazel?”

  When he didn’t answer right away, Callie said, “Daddy?”

  I hadn’t said anything else, but I was begging Heziah to let it go. Wasn’t no good gonna come from pressing Mya at that point.

  ◼︎

  Heziah and me ain’t need to be all lovey-dovey to make love. We both had enough experience with marriage to know it wasn’t always about that. We was slipping away from each other, so we did our best to hold on to what we had. Took longer than usual, but when we finished, he hugged me to him and let me cry on his chest.

  “I’m sorry, Belinda. It’ll get better.”

  I managed a nod between sniffles. Before I could get too comfortable, I reminded myself to go to the washroom. If I ain’t go before bed, I’d be up in the middle of the night. Heziah stirred only slightly as I wrapped myself up in my robe and stepped out into the hall.

  The quiet filled up all the empty space around me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Thinking of my girls sleeping soundly in their beds, having nice dreams. Couldn’t peek in on Nikki or Jackie so I started with Mya. Her door was closed, but the lock ain’t work, so I turned the knob slow so as not to wake her with the sound. Felt the breeze before I saw her bed was empty and the window was open.

  I’d did my best by her and still failed. What did she want from me? I went to the window and pushed it shut. Maybe I had overreacted a bit with the track thing. She’d always liked running. I sighed and sank into her bed. Well, I wasn’t too big to admit my mistakes. Mya was a good girl, especially considering all that had happened.

  Mya confessed in one long breath and promptly retreated into her own world. She stretched her long muscular legs out in front of her until her feet disappeared under my bed. She sat with her back against the wall and stared listlessly at the tops of her sneakers. My roommate could sleep through a tornado, so she never knew about my sister’s late night visits. Couldn’t imagine Mama approving, so she had to be in the dark too, which made it our secret. Been a long time since we had secrets to keep from the world.

  “You want me to talk to her for you?”

  Mya shook her head slightly.

  “I’d tell her with you, if you wanted, but they say I can’t leave for another two weeks. Mya?”

  No longer could I pretend her solitude was natural. Quiet she’d always been, at times even something of a loner, but there was a happiness to her before. She was as content on her own as she was with us, but not anymore.

  “Ramon wants me to keep it.”

  I hadn’t even known they were doing it. Weren’t sisters supposed to tell each other things like that?

  “Jackie.”

  “Huh? Oh. Umm…Mama gonna be mad, but she’ll help you. She would…,” I insisted, expecting her to argue the contrary. “Me too. I’d babysit. I’m good with kids. Don’t know why but the little suckers can’t get enough of me.”

  I desperately wanted to ask her how this happened. Mya of all people? The smart one? I was the wild child. If anybody was gonna get knocked up and ruin her life, it was supposed to be me. I eased off the bed, so we sat side by side. An apology burrowed its way into my chest.

  “I’ll have to quit track.”<
br />
  “You can rejoin next year.”

  “I’ll need new clothes.”

  “You can borrow some of Nikki’s. Not like you actually care what you look like.”

  She smiled at my lame attempt at a joke. “Ain’t you mad?” she asked.

  Took me a minute to realize she frowned on my behalf and not actually at me.

  “She sent you here.”

  I shrugged, and my hair brushed across my shoulders, reminding me of how much time passed since I cared about my appearance.

  “Was more so Heziah’s decision, and he only sent me here because he was trying to help.”

  “Whatever,” Mya muttered to the darkness.

  The Palmetto Rehabilitation Facility wasn’t so bad. Lots of girls. In fact, there were only girls. About fifty of us. In two weeks’ time, I’d made lots of new friends. Some from all corners of the city, most originated from the suburbs. We sat around talking most of the time—to each other and to our counselor. Once a week they let us paint or draw, and we could relax in front of the television until nine o’clock.

  “You think it’ll hurt?”

  “Darrel said it doesn’t.”

  “Ever had one?”

  “No.” Again, I felt the urge to apologize. I should’ve had more to add. My sister needed me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Not your fault,” she said simply. “I think…” Mya folded her lips inward, uncertain if she wanted to let the words out. “I think I got…you know…on purpose. To get back at Mama.”

  Didn’t get how that worked exactly, but I nodded and listened.

  “Can’t go around dictating to people. Even if they are your kids. It ain’t right. How’d she feel if somebody was trying to control everything she did?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Stop saying that.” She rolled her eyes. “Ain’t your fault.” A tremor ran through Mya, and she ground her teeth in frustration. “If she’d never left us, you wouldn’t be in here, and I wouldn’t be…”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  The guilt closed in around me as soon as I saw the pain on my sister’s face. We shared almost everything. Had the same memories, same teachers, same parents. Yet, we couldn’t share this. She blamed Mama. I blamed Ricky. Couldn’t even talk about what happened without being afraid to rupture the other’s wound. So, my favorite sister carried her feelings alone, all this time and even though we sat side by side, she was still alone.